Inadequate

Nothing like a new position to make you feel inadequate. Actually, scratch that. Nothing like the voice of the Enemy when you’re in a new position to make you feel inadequate. Since I’ve started my new role as a team leader, I’ve felt cruddier than I have in a very long time. Tons of issues that I’d dealt with long ago are cropping back up in an attempt to stop me in my tracks. Fear, doubt, worry, self-esteem; shouldn’t I be past all these things already? The fact that they’re reappearing only makes me feel even more disqualified for this job. Then when I think of all the responsibilities I have, most importantly to my team, but also to my school and organization, another wave of panic hits me. Remind me, did I voluntarily sign up for this? What was I thinking?

But in the midst of all my inner turmoil and struggle, I hear the still quiet voice that brings peace. He soothes my worries and doubts, while telling me that, yes, I am inadequate for this position. I can’t do this job on my own, nor was I ever meant to. I can’t change people’s hearts, I can’t make my teammates desire a strong team community, and I certainly can’t make them love China. I can foster those things, but expecting myself to do all that on my own is bearing a burden I wasn’t meant to carry.

And so, I continue to feel unprepared for the task ahead, but this time knowing that there is a purpose in my inadequacies. Where I am weak, He is strong. With His help, I do the best I can and leave the rest at His feet.